


This Tram No Longer Goes Up Sokyoku Hill

by chellerrific



Category: Bleach
Genre: Does this count as self-insert, Don't feed the Yachiru, Gen, Haiku for Kira, The explosions are normal, Those last three tags are almost a haiku of their own
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-02
Updated: 2013-06-02
Packaged: 2017-12-13 18:56:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/827685
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chellerrific/pseuds/chellerrific
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Welcome aboard, folks! Please keep anything you don’t wish to have cut off inside the tram at all times. We hope you enjoy the tour and recommend us to all your friends.</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Tram No Longer Goes Up Sokyoku Hill

**Author's Note:**

> …mmnope, I got nothin.

Welcome, welcome, folks. Everybody climb aboard the tram, don’t be shy now. Say hey to your neighbor, that’s the spirit! One big happy family, that’s us today. All right, everybody in? I’d like to remind you all to please remain seated and keep your hands and arms inside the vehicle at all times. The Seireitei Tour Company is not liable for any personal injury sustained by passengers on this tour, which you’ll have learned if you read the fine print of your waivers.

But hey! Who wants to talk about that? I don’t. That’s boring. I’m bored. You lovely people shouldn’t be bored by legalities, it does no good to get the lawyers involved so let’s not. Instead allow me to formally welcome you to your guided tour of the Seireitei. I, your humble tour guide, look forward to a pleasant trip with you all today.

Now the first thing you’ll notice is that smack in the middle of the Court is a big white tower. That’s called the Senzaikyu. It’s built out of sekkiseki and is a lovely vacation spot for the condemned. I’m told the view is stunning but for some reason guests tend not to repeat their visits. Connected to it is Sokyoku Hill. We used to take the tram all the way up to the top but, well, the Sokyoku’s gone so now it’s just “Hill” and who wants to see that?

Moving along, this forbidding little abode is the Central 46 Compound. Most of it is underground but we’re not allowed in there. No, no, I see those looks, those are looks of disappointment and I don’t want you lovely people to be disappointed. The truth is you really don’t want to go in there. It is not a fun place, folks, not fun at all, and the people who live there are even worse, oy! The stories I could tell. But I could get sentenced to a long spell in the dungeon just for what I’ve already said so I’m gonna have to leave you unsatisfied here. I’m not kidding, folks, make sure you are seated, I am going to step on the gas for a moment.

Ah, this is better. Here’s a much more pleasant spot, the Shin’o Academy, which was founded over 2,000 years ago by the illustrious Genryusai Shigekuni Yamamoto—whew! Sounds like Mom and Dad were expecting a billboard instead of a kid, am I right? But seriously, lovely man, inspiration to us all, shame about the hair.

Anyone can apply to the Academy but you’ll want to have some spiritual power if you expect to get in. Discriminatory practice, I know, but hey, if you don’t make it, you can always drive the tram for the guided tours. It’s almost as good a job, so when your parents get on your case you can tell them to shove it. What do they know? They never really understood you anyway, and that is not your fault.

Hey hey! Are we really already to the First Division compound? My, my, time does fly when you’re reliving emotional trauma. The First Division is headed up by the old man himself, along with his second-in-command, Chojiro Sasakibe. I’m told that despite a very long and close relationship the Head Captain and his lieutenant still regularly clash over their respective preferences for Japanese and western aesthetics. Ha, ha, they’re the original odd couple.

Housed in the First Division HQ are both the Captains’ Assembly Hall and the Lieutenants’ Assembly Room. Yes, that’s right, the lieutenants only get a room, not a hall, because who cares about them anyway? Ho, ho, I don’t write the jokes, I just deliver them with panache.

If you’ll look where I’m pointing, you can just make out the Head Captain’s personal balcony, where—oh, my. Please avert your eyes, folks, I’m afraid the Head Captain’s towel rubdown is not a sight meant for mere mortals.

Coming up on your left are the headquarters for the Second Division. Before we begin, I must inform you that we will be seeing very little of the compound. Captain Suì-Feng also requires us to remind all our passengers that any unauthorized personnel caught on the grounds will be killed on sight, so please, folks, ignore that gnawing curiosity to explore… unless you’re a black cat. No, no, sorry, I can’t say more, no more about the rumors of the captain’s very particular proclivities. Just trust me and stay inside the tram.

I do recommend, if you have the time, the more specialized Noble Manors Tour, also offered by the Seireitei Tour Company. You may get the chance to meet Marechiyo Omaeda, the lieutenant of the Second Division. The Omaedas like to show off their wealth and sometimes that means free food if you are lucky. I host that tour on Tuesdays and Thursdays; ask for me by name, I get a bonus.

Here we are at the Third Division. Less impressive, I’ll grant you, but less of an impression of land mines and shadowed assassins, right? The captain of the Third is of course Rojuro Otoribashi, one of our three new-old captains. My supervisors tell me I’m not supposed to comment on the weirdness of their reinstatement or their freaky Hollow powers, so I won’t. I will tell you that Captain Otoribashi has banned karaoke from the entire compound and I am told the punishments for this outweigh the punishments for nearly every other infraction. So I guess what I’m trying to say is, if you commit karaoke here, kill all the witnesses.

The Third is also home to his lieutenant, Izuru Kira, in whose honor I have composed a haiku: "Clouds hang in the sky / Snow falls upon wounded souls / Cheer up, emo kid." Thank you, thank you, no applause, just money.

Oh, now, this is lovely! We’ve made it all the way to the Fourth Division and I don’t need to drop a single one of you off here. Odds are good we’ll have to loop back around here at the end of the tour but hey, let’s just enjoy small blessings for now, shall we?

Over there’s the Coordinated Relief Station, in many ways the heartbeat of the Seireitei. Find yourself feeling out-of-sorts, missing some blood or a limb or two? This is the place you want to be. Under the tender care of Captain Retsu Unohana, you’ll be right as rain in no time! Unless you piss her off. That’s a bad idea for a number of reasons. Just… don’t do it. I’m serious as a heart attacked by a sharp blade slicing through it, folks!

Oh and if you’re looking for Captain Unohana’s lieutenant, Isane Kotetsu, just look up! No but really, that lady has a heart of gold, located somewhere just above the crown of your head. Swish!

Ah, here we are at one of my favorite places to be, the Fifth Division! And by “favorite” I of course mean “least favorite.” Seriously this place gives me a real case of the oogie-boogies. Bad vibes, you know? They say that if you stare into the reflection of the moon on the surface of water and chant “Lord Aizen” three times… you’re a sucker! Ah, ha, kills me every time. You guys are great, really.

No but really this place is doing a lot better these days thanks to new-old Captain Shinji Hirako and his mind-blowingly resilient lieutenant, Momo Hinamori—seriously, is that girl made of iron or what? I’m asking a legitimate question here.

Now here we come to the Sixth Division. This is always a very popular stop on our tour though I again remind you all to remain seated and please do not try to remove any “souvenirs” you think may have been touched by the captain—which is Byakuya Kuchiki, of course, for our passengers who’ve been living under rocks. I’m not knocking it, I’ve seen some very lovely rocks in my day. I’m sure your rocks are wonderful and that is why you choose to remain under them.

I’d be remiss not to mention the lieutenant here, Renji Abarai. He is, of course, nearly as popular as his captain. If you admire his sense of style, we will be going by Gin Tonbo later, where Lieutenant Abarai buys all his swanky sunglasses. They cost a mint and I can’t speak much for their durability but I’m quite sure I had several of you at “Lieutenant Abarai shops there.” That’s their slogan, by the way: “Lieutenant Abarai shops here.” I’m not making this up.

Coming round the corner here we find ourselves at the Seventh Division. The Seventh is best known for their chivalry and dedication to—oh, hell, who am I kidding. They’re best known for the fact that their captain, Sajin Komamura, is some kind of big… dog monster… thing? Seriously, what’s up with that guy? I don’t even know where to go with this, folks. I’m just kinda confused. Great guy, though, lots of laughs at parties.

His lieutenant is Tetsuzaemon Iba, who used to be in the Eleventh, which I feel explains almost everything. Don’t talk about his mom.

And here we find ourselves coming up on the Eighth Division. If you’ll look to your left, you will see what appears to be a shinigami napping on a rooftop and—oh my goodness, folks, I can scarcely believe my eyes but I do believe that fellow with the straw hat up there is the one and only Captain Shunsui Kyoraku! What an exciting development and appropriate time to remind everyone that flash photography is not permitted on this tour. If you’d like, you may purchase one of the calendars offered by the Purgatory Company at the end of the tour. The Shinigami Women’s Association also prints photo books of certain officers that are available for purchase through them.

Ah, what’s this? The good captain has been joined on the rooftop by another shinigami. Uh-oh, it’s his lieutenant, Nanao Ise. Hang on tight, folks. I’ve seen this before and we need to get out of the compound right now.

Forging on ahead, we—no, don’t worry about that explosion, it’s normal—forging on ahead, we now come to the Ninth Division, which is back under the leadership of Captain Kensei Muguruma. The members of the Ninth are known for their work ethic, except for Lieutenant Mashiro Kuna, who is known for the exact opposite.

Here at the Ninth the members also work hard to publish the Seireitei Communication Monthly. Lieutenant Shuhei Hisagi acts as editor, which of course raises the question: when does the boy sleep? Perhaps Lieutenant Kuna does it for him. How incredibly thoughtful of her.

If you think you noticed a drop in temperature just now, it’s not your imagination, we’ve simply come to the Tenth Division. Perhaps Captain Toshiro Hitsugaya is engaging in a little bankai training? No, I’m joking, it’s just his frigid personality. Ha ha ha.

If you get too cold, perhaps Lieutenant Rangiku Matsumoto can warm you up? You’ll have to get in line first, of course, but I’m told it’s well worth the wait.

Before you ask, yes, those sounds and smells are perfectly normal; we’ve simply come to the Eleventh Division. Once again a quick reminder to stay inside the tram; this leg of the tour has the dubious distinction of having the highest casualty rate. Captain Kenpachi Zaraki is inclined to leave you alone unless you’re very strong—don’t worry, none of you come anywhere close to his standards, ha ha ha—but I can’t say the same for his men.

A further word of caution: if his lieutenant, Yachiru Kusajishi, sees us, she will chase us. And if she chases us, she will catch us. In that case, whatever you do, do not feed her. You hear me? Don’t do it if you ever want a moment’s peace ever again. You’ve been warned. Godspeed.

Ah, this impressive-looking edifice belongs to the Twelfth Division. Beyond is the Shinigami Research and Development Institute, where some of the brightest minds in Soul Society commit countless crimes against humanity. Contrary to other parts of this tour, Captain Mayuri Kurotsuchi has instructed us to let our passengers know he welcomes all curious tourists who wish to see the inner workings of his laboratory. However I’d advise against it. Of those who take him up on that offer, those who come back at all tend to come back… ah… how shall I put this… twisted? Messed up? Missing pieces and suffering from post-traumatic shock? Lovely people, though, right up until they explode.

For the record, it’s the same offer even if it comes from his lieutenant slash invention slash progeny Nemu. And before you ask, no, she is not technically a robot, sorry. I know, right?

My oh my, have we come this far already? Here we are at the Thirteenth Division! A tranquil atmosphere inspired by the fact that their captain, Jushiro Ukitake, has tuberculosis or something. Great guy, wonderful leader when he’s not bedridden. A little weird sometimes but really. Great guy. That over there’s Ugendo, his private quarters. Captain Kuchiki has asked us to tell all passengers that if they see any koi fish out there, could they please return them to his estate.

Captain Ukitake’s recently-promoted lieutenant is of course Captain Kuchiki’s younger sister Rukia. An impressive turnaround for her considering it was what, like, a year ago she was a condemned criminal? Perhaps the Senzaikyu will see its first returning guest yet! Hey-o! Please don’t tell anyone I said that, I’ll get fired, or worse.

Whew! That wraps up the first half of the tour. We’ll head out for lunch and a tour of the shops before a final round to meet the four gatekeepers. They’re so crushingly lonely, folks, you’ll feel better about your own miserable lives just by talking to them for five minutes. That’s the Seireitei Tour Company difference. No but seriously, you folks are great. Really great group today. Just lovely.


End file.
